Trust + Humility = Distress + Frustration. Well, for me at least! Trust and humility (or lack thereof) seem to go hand in hand when it comes to this girl. Let me explain.
Lately, I've felt the dark hands of anxiety trying to find its grip on me. My anxiety triggers are almost always health "issues." This past fall and winter have been brutal: Lice epidemic (or so it felt to me) in our school, a crazy outbreak of the flu and some other vicious stomach bug, my husband's cellulitis infection that freaked the living daylights out of me, ongoing tummy trouble with my sweet daughter (resulting in a three month doctor-mandated gluten free trial), and possible attention issues with my pulls-at-my-heartstrings little seven year old son.
Let's add on top of that: My oldest son started middle school this fall (so many new changes socially and academically), I started a new job (joyful, but first time back to work in 11 years!!), my daughter entered a new ballet training program, My husband's company scheduled a conference in Orlando the entire first week of December (WHO does that??!!), and I somewhat foolishly volunteered to be a part of yet another choir (that made 3 this Christmas season).
I'm guessing that many of my friends could type two very similar paragraphs. But from time to time, I let the above-mentioned "stress list" get the better of me. And here is where I go dangerously wrong:
I lose trust.
In fact, I stop even trying to trust in my Savior. Instead of letting God be in control, I let my "stress list" control me. I let it zoom in and out of my thoughts. I let it influence my words as I speak to my children. I let it interfere with my sleep. Like a snowball, I let my small situations become too great-and then I start to unravel.
Luckily for me, God doesn't stop trying to hit me over the head to get my attention. Right now I am doing two bible studies at church. The first is discussing the "words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart" (Psalm 19:14)…hmmm, have I been allowing my "stress-list" to have a "hostile take over" in my heart lately?
The second study is guiding me through the book of John during the 30 days before lent. In John 3:30, John the Baptist referred to Jesus when he said, "He must become greater, I must become less." John had been proclaiming the coming of a Savior. John was just a herald of Christ, his purpose was to make known the arrival of the Savior. John knew his purpose was to "become less" and Jesus was to "become greater." The question to ponder about his verse was this: "In my life, how does Jesus "need to increase" and I "need to decrease?"
And here, this blog post has come full circle: Trust + Humility. I need to humble myself before my Savior. I am so human, God is perfect. I am limited and stuck in the moment, God is infinite! I need to "decrease" this debilitating selfishness where I keep my "stress list" clutched to my heart, thinking I can work my way through it alone. I need to "increase" my trust in the promise from my Savior that he will take care of me: "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7" He will watch over me, provide for me, and give me strength when I feel I have none of my own.
For me, trust doesn't come without humility. Admitting I cannot live this life through my own strength is humbling. Trying to take control away from God is a monumentous bad habit to break. So I'm going to keep plugging away, asking my gracious Savior for help every day.
I'm going to predict a different outcome: Trust + Humility = Peace + Comfort.
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