Trust

You'll have to trust that I just wrote this awesome blog...lengthy, too. All about trusting in God. But there was a glitch, and I lost it ALL. Please trust that it was good.

Over the Months...

April 15 was my last blog...I guess I'm not as avid a blogger as my awesome mammamilk sister!

What do I have to say for these last missing months?

1. 12 days of a sick child that sort of freaked me out
2.Vacation Bible School prep and follow-through (with a sick kiddo)
3. vacation with all the family (grandparents, sister and family)
4. mini-vacation with the hubby
5. end of school year activities and field trips
6. bike riding (and a very alarming bike riding whipe-out)
7. dance classes
8. baseball games...go Giants, my 8 yr. old's team!
9. swimming pools
10. a nice tan.

That sums it all up, I guess!

"For the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22

• Do I show love at all times? Am I joyful? Am I patient and kind? Do I exhibit goodness and faithfulness? Am I gentle, and controlling of my emotions and actions at all times?


• I wish I could answer yes, all the time, hands down. I guess I am SOME of these things, SOME of the time. How can I be ALL of these things, ALL of the time?


• My only answer is...I can't. I never will.


• You see, I alone cannot. But the Holy Spirit can. The verse does not say, "for the fruit of 'WENDY' is love, joy, etc." It pretty clearly states that these qualities are directly from the Spirit. So to try and master them on my own is just plain ridiculous. I'll lose every time.


• So I guess I should try and let the Holy Spirit fill me with His qualities. In the evening, when I look back over my day, and I see my actions being anything BUT those of the Spirit's...its pretty safe to say that I shut the Holy Spirit out. Closed the door right on his face.


• 
  
  Ok, so I just open the door and let Him in? Easier said than done. All of my old habits are pretty reluctant to die. My own selfishness, greed, anger. But when I do let the Spirit fill me, I feel only joy. When He's there, there's just no room for anything else. I can look back over the past few years, and can definitely pinpoint those times of pure joy, when the Spirit was alive and well within me.


• So it is my constant prayer (and the Holy Spirit is praying this with me...isn't that awesome?!! He's praying with me and for me!) that I can let go of those other things, and let the Holy Spirit enter in. I think I'll have to pray it every day for the rest of my life!

Sick Boy

Last night my littlest baby (who is now 4 years old, and not so little anymore!) had a fever. I was busy taking care of him, focusing all my energy on making sure he was comfortable, medicated, hydrated and sleeping well.

I realized this morning that I had not thought about my little "self" issues at all in the last 12 hours or so. I had been so intently focused on him, that I had no leftover time for myself. In a good way!

God, please help me to always remember how amazingly complete I feel when I am serving you by serving others. When I am completely attending others out of love, I am filled with Your love. Thank you for keeping my little guy safe, and for giving me the opportunity to take care of him.

The Words My Mouth Speaks (even in my head...)

"The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34

My mouth speaks all the time. In fact, sometimes it won't shut up. If I feel a lull in a conversation, I hear myself attempting to fill it. My mouth speaks even when its closed. These words, I've come to the conclusion, are the most dangerous. When I don't think anyone can hear me, I can say whatever I want, right? Rude things about other people, cutting remarks about myself, etc. I just tend to SO EASILY forget that God doesn't discern between spoken words and words of thought. To Him, they are all just my words. Or to quote Psalm 19 again, the "meditations of my heart."

So if my mouth is speaking from the overflow of my heart, I would hope my words are full of joy, and peace and love. And that would mean that my heart if full of joy, peace and love. But what about those days when every word I speak is a snarky retort, or a sarcastic phrase. What about when I snap at my kids, or voice my impatience with my husband? What does that say about what's in my heart?

This morning and into the afternoon, my harsh words were catching up with me. I went to Kohl's to buy a few new cute tops for a trip my husband and I are taking in the near future. You know how dressings room try-ons can go: sometimes its great and sometimes it is just plain awful. This was an awful one. I had a HUGE pile of shirts on my first trip in. NONE of them fit. I began to get down on myself, and how I looked. "...if I was thinner this shirt would fit..." etc.

By the time I was leaving, my mood had been spiraling downward. Then, at the checkout, I was behind this cute little (emphasis on LITTLE) mom with her two little boys. Remember what I said about comparing my worst qualities with her best ones? Let's just say I didn't leave the store feeling too good about myself.

In my mind, I know to say "SHAME! You are a wonderful person, and so much more that how you look." But in my heart, all I could hear was how I wasn't good enough.

I am glad to report that after doing housework, giving my little boy a bath and typing today's post, I am feeling better. Knowing that these are the things I am measured by: my love for my family and God, my service to Him and others...the words of my heart are sounding much more fair and kind.

I just wish I never had to have those "down-ward spiraling" moments.

Have I Wasted Half of a Decade?

I once heard Oprah say that if she had any regrets, it was that she wasted all of her 30's obsessing/not liking herself and her weight.

Here I am, nearly 36, and I am starting to think the same thing about my life. But with me, it goes much deeper than my self image. It goes to my core, my self esteem.

I have spent much of my life comparing myself to others. And yes, I am sure that I am actively being an example of that old cliche: I am comparing my worst qualities to someone else's best qualities. But it is so much more than that. I am constantly comparing every aspect of myself. For example, how well I sing, how I parent my children, how I clean/not clean my house, how well I do my hair and makeup, my relationship with my husband, how smart my children are, and of course the BIGGIE...how much I weigh.

This past fall, my women's bible study did a wonderful study by Jennifer Rothschild called, "Me, Myself & Lies: a thought-closet makeover." It really opened my eyes to how much I belittle myself. How much I am cheating myself out of the LOVE that God has for me just the way I am. The way I was created.

I "talk" myself out of loving who I am, by having many negative thoughts about my "shortcomings." In fact, I have so many negative thoughts that I don't even realize I am thinking them. It just becomes this total negative attitude I have regarding my self. I need to learn that those "shortcomings" are not necessarily shortcomings at all. Yes, some of them are not great qualities I have, such as laziness. That's a big one for me. But, for example, when I beat myself up for being dis-organized by comparing that quality of mine to a certain friend's amazingly clean house: I am setting myself up to feel like a failure.

One thing I realized from doing this study...I have SO far to go! A 6-week bible study course only scratched the surface at how much I need to GROW in love of myself.

And I think it all begins here:
"Let the word of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

If I live to please myself, I will fail. I will NEVER be able to love myself. My "words" and "meditations" so often are not pleasing to God, because they cut me to the core. But if I live to please the LORD, he will give me my strength, my joy, and my completion. After all, the verse says He is my redeemer! He's the only One who can save me from myself!

My plan is to re-visit these issues once again. But this time, I am hoping with much prayer and dedication...it will stick! I know some issues in life are constant battles...and this just may be mine.