Have I Wasted Half of a Decade?

I once heard Oprah say that if she had any regrets, it was that she wasted all of her 30's obsessing/not liking herself and her weight.

Here I am, nearly 36, and I am starting to think the same thing about my life. But with me, it goes much deeper than my self image. It goes to my core, my self esteem.

I have spent much of my life comparing myself to others. And yes, I am sure that I am actively being an example of that old cliche: I am comparing my worst qualities to someone else's best qualities. But it is so much more than that. I am constantly comparing every aspect of myself. For example, how well I sing, how I parent my children, how I clean/not clean my house, how well I do my hair and makeup, my relationship with my husband, how smart my children are, and of course the BIGGIE...how much I weigh.

This past fall, my women's bible study did a wonderful study by Jennifer Rothschild called, "Me, Myself & Lies: a thought-closet makeover." It really opened my eyes to how much I belittle myself. How much I am cheating myself out of the LOVE that God has for me just the way I am. The way I was created.

I "talk" myself out of loving who I am, by having many negative thoughts about my "shortcomings." In fact, I have so many negative thoughts that I don't even realize I am thinking them. It just becomes this total negative attitude I have regarding my self. I need to learn that those "shortcomings" are not necessarily shortcomings at all. Yes, some of them are not great qualities I have, such as laziness. That's a big one for me. But, for example, when I beat myself up for being dis-organized by comparing that quality of mine to a certain friend's amazingly clean house: I am setting myself up to feel like a failure.

One thing I realized from doing this study...I have SO far to go! A 6-week bible study course only scratched the surface at how much I need to GROW in love of myself.

And I think it all begins here:
"Let the word of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

If I live to please myself, I will fail. I will NEVER be able to love myself. My "words" and "meditations" so often are not pleasing to God, because they cut me to the core. But if I live to please the LORD, he will give me my strength, my joy, and my completion. After all, the verse says He is my redeemer! He's the only One who can save me from myself!

My plan is to re-visit these issues once again. But this time, I am hoping with much prayer and dedication...it will stick! I know some issues in life are constant battles...and this just may be mine.