Last night my littlest baby (who is now 4 years old, and not so little anymore!) had a fever. I was busy taking care of him, focusing all my energy on making sure he was comfortable, medicated, hydrated and sleeping well.
I realized this morning that I had not thought about my little "self" issues at all in the last 12 hours or so. I had been so intently focused on him, that I had no leftover time for myself. In a good way!
God, please help me to always remember how amazingly complete I feel when I am serving you by serving others. When I am completely attending others out of love, I am filled with Your love. Thank you for keeping my little guy safe, and for giving me the opportunity to take care of him.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Words My Mouth Speaks (even in my head...)
"The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34
My mouth speaks all the time. In fact, sometimes it won't shut up. If I feel a lull in a conversation, I hear myself attempting to fill it. My mouth speaks even when its closed. These words, I've come to the conclusion, are the most dangerous. When I don't think anyone can hear me, I can say whatever I want, right? Rude things about other people, cutting remarks about myself, etc. I just tend to SO EASILY forget that God doesn't discern between spoken words and words of thought. To Him, they are all just my words. Or to quote Psalm 19 again, the "meditations of my heart."
So if my mouth is speaking from the overflow of my heart, I would hope my words are full of joy, and peace and love. And that would mean that my heart if full of joy, peace and love. But what about those days when every word I speak is a snarky retort, or a sarcastic phrase. What about when I snap at my kids, or voice my impatience with my husband? What does that say about what's in my heart?
This morning and into the afternoon, my harsh words were catching up with me. I went to Kohl's to buy a few new cute tops for a trip my husband and I are taking in the near future. You know how dressings room try-ons can go: sometimes its great and sometimes it is just plain awful. This was an awful one. I had a HUGE pile of shirts on my first trip in. NONE of them fit. I began to get down on myself, and how I looked. "...if I was thinner this shirt would fit..." etc.
By the time I was leaving, my mood had been spiraling downward. Then, at the checkout, I was behind this cute little (emphasis on LITTLE) mom with her two little boys. Remember what I said about comparing my worst qualities with her best ones? Let's just say I didn't leave the store feeling too good about myself.
In my mind, I know to say "SHAME! You are a wonderful person, and so much more that how you look." But in my heart, all I could hear was how I wasn't good enough.
I am glad to report that after doing housework, giving my little boy a bath and typing today's post, I am feeling better. Knowing that these are the things I am measured by: my love for my family and God, my service to Him and others...the words of my heart are sounding much more fair and kind.
I just wish I never had to have those "down-ward spiraling" moments.
My mouth speaks all the time. In fact, sometimes it won't shut up. If I feel a lull in a conversation, I hear myself attempting to fill it. My mouth speaks even when its closed. These words, I've come to the conclusion, are the most dangerous. When I don't think anyone can hear me, I can say whatever I want, right? Rude things about other people, cutting remarks about myself, etc. I just tend to SO EASILY forget that God doesn't discern between spoken words and words of thought. To Him, they are all just my words. Or to quote Psalm 19 again, the "meditations of my heart."
So if my mouth is speaking from the overflow of my heart, I would hope my words are full of joy, and peace and love. And that would mean that my heart if full of joy, peace and love. But what about those days when every word I speak is a snarky retort, or a sarcastic phrase. What about when I snap at my kids, or voice my impatience with my husband? What does that say about what's in my heart?
This morning and into the afternoon, my harsh words were catching up with me. I went to Kohl's to buy a few new cute tops for a trip my husband and I are taking in the near future. You know how dressings room try-ons can go: sometimes its great and sometimes it is just plain awful. This was an awful one. I had a HUGE pile of shirts on my first trip in. NONE of them fit. I began to get down on myself, and how I looked. "...if I was thinner this shirt would fit..." etc.
By the time I was leaving, my mood had been spiraling downward. Then, at the checkout, I was behind this cute little (emphasis on LITTLE) mom with her two little boys. Remember what I said about comparing my worst qualities with her best ones? Let's just say I didn't leave the store feeling too good about myself.
In my mind, I know to say "SHAME! You are a wonderful person, and so much more that how you look." But in my heart, all I could hear was how I wasn't good enough.
I am glad to report that after doing housework, giving my little boy a bath and typing today's post, I am feeling better. Knowing that these are the things I am measured by: my love for my family and God, my service to Him and others...the words of my heart are sounding much more fair and kind.
I just wish I never had to have those "down-ward spiraling" moments.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Have I Wasted Half of a Decade?
I once heard Oprah say that if she had any regrets, it was that she wasted all of her 30's obsessing/not liking herself and her weight.
Here I am, nearly 36, and I am starting to think the same thing about my life. But with me, it goes much deeper than my self image. It goes to my core, my self esteem.
I have spent much of my life comparing myself to others. And yes, I am sure that I am actively being an example of that old cliche: I am comparing my worst qualities to someone else's best qualities. But it is so much more than that. I am constantly comparing every aspect of myself. For example, how well I sing, how I parent my children, how I clean/not clean my house, how well I do my hair and makeup, my relationship with my husband, how smart my children are, and of course the BIGGIE...how much I weigh.
This past fall, my women's bible study did a wonderful study by Jennifer Rothschild called, "Me, Myself & Lies: a thought-closet makeover." It really opened my eyes to how much I belittle myself. How much I am cheating myself out of the LOVE that God has for me just the way I am. The way I was created.
I "talk" myself out of loving who I am, by having many negative thoughts about my "shortcomings." In fact, I have so many negative thoughts that I don't even realize I am thinking them. It just becomes this total negative attitude I have regarding my self. I need to learn that those "shortcomings" are not necessarily shortcomings at all. Yes, some of them are not great qualities I have, such as laziness. That's a big one for me. But, for example, when I beat myself up for being dis-organized by comparing that quality of mine to a certain friend's amazingly clean house: I am setting myself up to feel like a failure.
One thing I realized from doing this study...I have SO far to go! A 6-week bible study course only scratched the surface at how much I need to GROW in love of myself.
And I think it all begins here:
"Let the word of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14
If I live to please myself, I will fail. I will NEVER be able to love myself. My "words" and "meditations" so often are not pleasing to God, because they cut me to the core. But if I live to please the LORD, he will give me my strength, my joy, and my completion. After all, the verse says He is my redeemer! He's the only One who can save me from myself!
My plan is to re-visit these issues once again. But this time, I am hoping with much prayer and dedication...it will stick! I know some issues in life are constant battles...and this just may be mine.
Here I am, nearly 36, and I am starting to think the same thing about my life. But with me, it goes much deeper than my self image. It goes to my core, my self esteem.
I have spent much of my life comparing myself to others. And yes, I am sure that I am actively being an example of that old cliche: I am comparing my worst qualities to someone else's best qualities. But it is so much more than that. I am constantly comparing every aspect of myself. For example, how well I sing, how I parent my children, how I clean/not clean my house, how well I do my hair and makeup, my relationship with my husband, how smart my children are, and of course the BIGGIE...how much I weigh.
This past fall, my women's bible study did a wonderful study by Jennifer Rothschild called, "Me, Myself & Lies: a thought-closet makeover." It really opened my eyes to how much I belittle myself. How much I am cheating myself out of the LOVE that God has for me just the way I am. The way I was created.
I "talk" myself out of loving who I am, by having many negative thoughts about my "shortcomings." In fact, I have so many negative thoughts that I don't even realize I am thinking them. It just becomes this total negative attitude I have regarding my self. I need to learn that those "shortcomings" are not necessarily shortcomings at all. Yes, some of them are not great qualities I have, such as laziness. That's a big one for me. But, for example, when I beat myself up for being dis-organized by comparing that quality of mine to a certain friend's amazingly clean house: I am setting myself up to feel like a failure.
One thing I realized from doing this study...I have SO far to go! A 6-week bible study course only scratched the surface at how much I need to GROW in love of myself.
And I think it all begins here:
"Let the word of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14
If I live to please myself, I will fail. I will NEVER be able to love myself. My "words" and "meditations" so often are not pleasing to God, because they cut me to the core. But if I live to please the LORD, he will give me my strength, my joy, and my completion. After all, the verse says He is my redeemer! He's the only One who can save me from myself!
My plan is to re-visit these issues once again. But this time, I am hoping with much prayer and dedication...it will stick! I know some issues in life are constant battles...and this just may be mine.
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